On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
