I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
