Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
