your parents love me but you hate me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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