I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
