My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
