Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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