Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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