Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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