doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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