roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
