There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
