i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
