Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
