My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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