I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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