mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
