i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
