I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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