with your own penis?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
