I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
