Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As shirtless as possible
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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