Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
