Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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