That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
