The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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