You're completely useless in the revolution.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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