The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
