I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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