jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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