I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
