he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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