He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
