how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
