Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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