I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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