My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
