I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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