Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
