does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
