happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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