my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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