some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
