And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
