Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this will be a night to untag.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
