My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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