He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
