I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
