i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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