having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
