The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
