My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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