dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
