so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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