we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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