so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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