the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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