she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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