i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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