Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I checked into jail on foursquare
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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