90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
