god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
