I think im going to throw up on grandma
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
