That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
