I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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