so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
